Via Global Voices Online, I discovered that my post from the other day (when I was chased home by a random drunk fellow) was linked in conjunction with four posts by Brigid on Laughter in the Dark, concerning a similar experience by an American grad student in Volgograd. They're interesting to read - check them out:
Something interesting to note about both my experience and Brigid's: Both of the Maxims (who took me out to the Khrapovitsky estate on Tuesday) agreed that I had probably smiled at the man when he began talking to me, thus convincing him that I liked him and encouraging him to follow me home. This reminds me of something that I posted a long time ago, but which I'll re-post here, taken from the Lonely Planet guide to Russia and Belarus, 3rd edition:
Women are very likely to be followed and propositioned; I encountered this especially in Moscow. Eye contact is enough of an invitation for many men. Men in cars, on foot, in the subway, are all potential threats. Although I do not think the threat itself is very severe, it was certainly disconcerting for the first few days, until I had developed my hardened face.
Andrei, who commented several times on Laughter in the Dark, wrote:
Back to the essence of the problem. There’s one thing I always put very seriously when I instruct my American partners in Russia – NEVER SMILE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. Or at least to Russian polite smile (only with your lips). 80% of communication in every culture of the world is done non-verbally. In Russia smiling to strangers – in American way - could mean depending on the situation, “I’m an idiot” or “I want to be your friend” or “I find you very sexy” or “Don’t take my words seriously” or “I’m here not really for doing research but to have some fun”. Smiling is the major reason why American businessmen I know screw up almost all negotiations here. What Americans view as boorish behavior Russians regard as simply serious and businesslike. I bet 50 to 1 you were smiling to the punks on the boat, weren’t you? You thought it was “I don’t want to be rude but…” kind of smile. It wasn’t. Trust me – stop smiling to strangers, become a bit boorish and suspicious – then 99% of your problems would disappear. Be more aggressive and don’t be afraid to be rude when necessary. Learn from successful Russian women.
On one hand, I admit that it is culturally ingrained (for Americans) to smile at strangers who speak to them, whereas this is something that is simply not done in Russia. Therefore I can see how a friendly-American-smile might give the wrong impression.... However, I don't see how that justifies continued harassment when the woman in question (whether me, Brigid or someone else) is no longer smiling and is, instead, shouting "Leave me alone!" to him and "Please help!" to passers by. This seems to be a way of blaming the victim and excusing the aggressor.
My friend L (a young Russian woman) wrote, "I NEVER respond when a guy starts talking to me or even acknowledge his presence. Especially in the evening." Which is essentially the advice advocated by Andrei and the Maxims.... Although even for someone as anti-social as I often can be, that just sounds strange and unfriendly. I don't know that I have any solutions or sensible comments, I just kind of wanted to point all of this out.
4 comments:
Well, it _is_ unfriendly and paranoid by any standards. But I always tend to attract madmen on the street, hence the desperate measures. Heh, I'm sure I get this murderous look on my face when people start speaking to me randomly.
[oooh here’s an example. started just like it usually does, but ended up even worse than I’d expected. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25957274/ ]
The thing is, in 90 out of 100 cases you know this guy wants in your pants and that's pretty much it. And since I happen to share Brigid's opinion on Russian men, there's really no need for me to be polite or even acknowledge their interest.
Also--this doesn't really apply to Vladimir, but in the remaining 10 cases it could be a crook distracting you while his partner cuts up your purse and steals the wallet. :/ I'm not paranoid! I had a wallet stolen like that in the Moscow metro. AND I had a cell phone stolen off me at the Ped by someone who definitely knows me and studies with me.
I can fully --I can't remember if I posted this before--nod "uh huh!" to your post about the smile thing with men.
I was posted in cheboksary and was shipped out to another site because i had made the fatal mistake of giving a big old american happy smile to the minister of education. from then on it was only problems. Either he was trying to manhandle me, load me down with work or generally knock out all my credibility with my colleagues. It was pretty crazy. I went to another site, was told that the problems were my fault and after that very difficult and and hard time (my first six months there in the winter) I had trouble truly being very serious or happy there.
I learned the trolleybus face the hard way, and when i came home strated to feel like americans were idiots going around smiling all the time.
In some ways the smiling all the time thing that we Americans do is kind of ridiculous. I remember a story a woman in Korea told me: She had spent some time in the US (as a student, i think) and always used to go to a certain coffee shop. usually when she went, she was the only customer there. the waiter who was always working always smiled at her, asked her how she was doing, and carried on a decent bit of small-talk. She assumed that he was interested in her and that they were developing a relationship... until she came to the cafe at a time when other customers were there, and she realized he was like that with everyone!
On the same topic, this is something my mom sent me a while back:
I understand what you mean about the Russian face. These differences are world-wide. Years ago Konrad Lorenz wrote about the differences between North Germans and South Germans. And over 30 years ago i encountered problems as a New Yorker who had just lived for 2 years in Hawaii, when returning to East Tennessee. I found myself being constantly (and persistently!) propositioned by men who were considered pillars of the community. Finally the husband of a friend told me it was because I made eye-contact and smiled. This was something just not done by women in East Tenn. (at least not 30 years ago), so you can't even make generalizations about the American South.
I understand that there are definitely cultural differences world wide (such as facial expressions) which can lead to misunderstandings. I'm still kind of wondering where ignoring the repeated request to be left alone fits into the scheme of things? Sigh.
They are so weird. What is wrong with them? That is some SERIOUSLY screwed up logic if you ask me. You just don't not talk to somebody like that. I mean acknowledge that you don't wish to talk to them. If it's a single, flash them the wedding ring or say, "Sorry, but I'm takin." I mean, just something. To me, just out right ignoring somebody without prior notice is just plain right rude, and very mean.
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